Parents of young virgins may still worry that their kids are turning to oral sex as an alternative to going all the way. But a new study shows that most teens who've decided to abstain are actually sticking to their guns about sexual conduct — they're not having vaginal or oral sex.

Looking at data from a national survey of more than 2,200 15- to 19-year-olds, researchers found that more than half of the teens (both boys and girls) said they'd had oral sex, making it more common than vaginal sex. But those who hadn't yet had intercourse were much less likely to have tried oral sex either — only a little more than a quarter of virgins said they'd opted to have oral sex.

In fact, "non-virgins were almost four times as likely as virgins to have had oral sex," says the study. Teens who reported they had had anal sex (1 in 10 in this survey) were also much more likely to have had vaginal sex.

A popular perception seems to be that teens are having lots of oral sex as a way to stay virgins (or "technical virgins") and avoid getting pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), but the researchers found "little evidence" of "serial oral sex" among teens who were still virgins. And "most adolescent virgins who had ever had oral sex had only one sexual partner in their lifetime," says the study.

The researchers also found that vaginal and oral sex seem to go hand in hand — that within 6 months of having sex for the first time more than 80% of teens had engaged in oral sex, too.

What This Means to You

Before kids and teens make that very adult decision to engage in any kind of sexual activity, they need to understand its many adult consequences. If the thought of "the talk" makes you a little queasy, consider these sobering statistics:

• Nearly 1 million teenage girls in the United States have babies every year. And, in 2006, the number of births by teen moms (ages 15 to 19) rose for the first time in nearly 15 years.
• A staggering 1 in 4 (or an estimated 3.2 million) teenage girls in the United States has an STD.
• Each year about 6.2 million people contract the human papillomavirus (HPV). The leading cause of cervical cancer and genital warts, HPV affects more than half of sexually active people at some point in their lives.
• An estimated 42 million people worldwide are living with AIDS or HIV (human immunodeficiency virus, which causes AIDS), with more than 3 million dying from AIDS-related illnesses every year.

And although sexually active teens may be more worried about having a baby than getting an STD, they need to realize that:

• You can't get pregnant if you have oral sex, but you can get an STD like gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, warts, herpes, or HIV.
• Some STDs (like genital warts and herpes) also can spread through intimate skin-to-skin contact without actual vaginal or anal penetration.
• A latex condom is an absolute must for anyone who decides to have vaginal or oral sex. But only complete and consistent abstinence can totally prevent pregnancy and protect against all STDs.

It's important to talk to your kids before they're already in the heat of the moment. Try to establish an ongoing dialogue about sexual development, decision-making, and values as children grow — instead of waiting to have "the talk" in one big, potentially awkward summit.

Many schools start sex education in the fifth or sixth grade, but it's best to begin the conversation long before this, when kids already may be starting to go through some of the emotional and physical changes of puberty. This can help them feel far more prepared when their bodies and brains start maturing and they begin experiencing some new and often really confusing feelings. Plus, they'll feel more comfortable coming to you with questions.

Whenever you do discuss sex with your kids, here are some things to keep in mind as you broach the topic at any age:

• Seize the opportunity to have natural, in-context "teachable moments" from the get-go — like when they're potty training, bathing, or expecting a new baby brother or sister.
• Try to address the issue as openly as possible, without getting too emotional or preachy.
• Try to approach discussions about sexuality like you would any other health topic — as a normal part of the human experience.
• Answer questions as honestly as you can, keeping kids' ages and maturity in mind. You can always start with less detail and add more as they become more curious. If you don't know the answer, say you'll find out and report back or look up the answer together.
• Give the facts, but also give them a sense of where you stand. Explain your values and why you feel that way.
• If your kids are in sex-education classes in school, talk to the teacher about ways to coordinate discussions at home with the school's lesson plans.
• Give regular, positive praise, plus constant support and affection. Kids with healthy self-esteem are less likely to give in to peer pressure and will be better able to handle relationships.

If your teen is (or even might be) sexually active, schedule regular full physical exams, which can include STD screening for boys and girls, and a Pap smear as well as the recently recommended HPV vaccine for girls.

Whether your kids are far from being sexually active or already in an intimate relationship, help them comprehend how their decisions today really can have a long-lasting effect on their lives now and far into the future.

Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: May 2008

Source: "Non-Coital Sexual Activities Among Adolescents," to be published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, July 2008.