September 12, 2006

Many parents find that connecting with kids becomes more challenging during the preteen years. As kids grow into teens, they pursue new interests and have burgeoning social lives, and it's common for them to sometimes act as if parental interest — and guidance — isn't welcome.

Parents have to balance the desire to stay connected with the understanding that for preteens, having mom or dad "too involved" is certainly not cool.

If you're a parent of a preteen, you probably get one-word answers like "fine" and "OK" when you ask about your child’s day, leaving you wanting more information. This might prompt you to fill the silence with more questions — then leave you frustrated when you still hear nothing truly important in return.

So when the once-chatty kid who told you everything suddenly seems like a closed book, what can you do?

What Kids Had to Say

A recent KidsHealth® KidsPoll asked kids ages 9 to 13 what they thought about their parents' involvement in their lives.

According to the poll, kids do want to stay connected to their parents and want their parents to be involved in their lives. But they don't want parents to ask too many questions or talk to them too much.

Kids surveyed said they want their parents to be involved in their what goes on in school — in fact, 43% of those polled said they wanted parents to be a lot or a little more involved.

The KidsPoll also revealed that more than half of the kids — 55% — said that their parents talk to them more often than they want, with another 31% saying that parents talk to them an adequate amount. In contrast, just 14% of kids said that they wanted their parents to talk with them more than they do.

What the Poll Means to Parents

The KidsPoll findings reinforce the message that even as kids grow into preteens, it matters to them that parents are there to watch them play sports, check in with teachers, and see them in the school play. Kids want to know that parents are interested in their worlds, and they enjoy opportunities to make parents proud.

Kids also need parents to share in the disappointments as well as the victories. A parent's supportive arm around the shoulder (sometimes without any words at all) can help a kid weather a defeat on the soccer field or help put a tough day at school into perspective.

And as far as the talking goes, kids don't always need to talk about every detail of their day, though many parents might wish they would. During middle school, kids start sharing more with peers, and that's OK. Even though this development might surprise parents or leave them feeling out of the loop, it's a healthy step in kids' social development. It shows that their relationships with their friends and peers are deepening, and they're exploring who they are as individuals by thinking through things on their own a bit more and keeping some of their thoughts to themselves.

What's important is for parents to find ways to relate to kids that maintain and build the relationship and emotional connection. A Q&A session about the day's events isn't the only way to keep the bond strong. In fact, too many questions and too much advice can be counterproductive.

This doesn't mean that parents have to stop talking to kids altogether. During these years, important topics will require parental guidance, and parents have fundamental messages to convey. Just be sure that your relationship with your child has more than one dimension; that it's more than just giving lectures and advice, nagging and criticism. Provide plenty of praise and positive feedback to make sure that your child feels your support and acceptance.

And leave time to just be there — when there's no particular discussion on the agenda — so that conversation can flow naturally.

You may worry that if you ask fewer questions you won't find out when something significant happens that you should know about. The good news is that almost half (49%) of the kids surveyed said that mom is the first person they turn to when they're upset, followed by a friend (21% of kids), and then by dad (15%). Being there and letting kids know you're involved, interested, and available allows them to come to you as needed.

Here are some other ways that you can stay involved without talking too much:

• Make time together. Having a parent's company, time, and attention helps kids feel loved, supported, and secure. The time doesn't have to come in big doses — just small moments that happen often in the context of everyday life. Transitions between activities, a few quiet minutes before bed, sharing an after-school snack — these provide a pause in the day's activities and allow relaxed conversation to happen at its own pace.
• Tell me more. Sometimes kids mention something without elaborating. Instead of asking 20 questions, give kids the freedom to say it their way. Invite your child with an open-ended request to "tell me more about what happened…."
• Be a good listener. When your child is sharing thoughts or experiences, listen with genuine interest and encourage elaboration. Show that you have time to hear what your son or daughter has to say. Don't cut to the chase too soon to offer opinions or advice. When kids are ready to talk, try to listen more than you talk.
• Be pleased and proud. Let kids know what makes you proud of them. When they tell you about an experience, find something to praise or be pleased about — maybe you're proud of how they handled a situation or happy that they had such a good time at practice. Your positive reaction encourages kids to talk more.
• Share your experiences. Talk about what is happening in your life or something that happened to you that may have been interesting or enjoyable — what you did, who you saw, what you had for lunch. Talking about your everyday experiences shows kids how it's done. Chances are your child will chime in and do the same.
• Do something together. Play a board game or cards, shoot some hoops, bake some treats, or run an errand. An activity done together provides bonding time, plus it allows conversation to happen spontaneously. Important topics can come up quite casually when two ingredients are present: the opportunity to be together and something else to focus on. The talking and listening feel less pointed when there's an activity to serve as a buffer.

Don't worry if sometimes kids don't have much to say. The important thing isn't to know what happened every day — it's to maintain and build the relationship and emotional connection. And that's less about what you say than about just being there.

About the Poll

The national KidsPoll surveyed 855 9- to 13-year-old boys and girls about their relationships with their parents. The KidsPoll is a collaboration of the Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth, the Department of Health Education and Recreation at Southern Illinois University – Carbondale, the National Association of Health Education Centers (NAHEC), and participating health education centers throughout the United States. Those centers include:

• Children's Health Education Center — Milwaukee, Wisconsin
• Health World Children's Museum — Barrington, Illinois
• Kansas Learning Center — Halstead, Kansas
• McMillen Center for Health Education — Ft. Wayne, Indiana
• Ruth Lilly Health Education Center — Indianapolis, Indiana
• Poe Center for Health Education — Raleigh, North Carolina

Reviewed by: D’Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: August 2006